Local Trader Joe's Employee Ascends to Supermarket Royalty
By Manyad Zarenasab
STERLING, VA- In a shocking turn of events that has rocked the grocery retail world and at least five of his neighbors, local boy Adam Masrour, 17, has officially been hired by Trader Joe’s, and he’s letting everyone know about it. Sources close to the scene (his mother Eva Divisova) report that ever since receiving the acceptance email, Adam has been spotted around his neighborhood wearing his Hawaiian shirt uniform unironically, flexing his employee discount and tossing around terms like “organic seasonal rotation” and “frozen cauliflower gnocchi” as if he invented them. “He’s acting like he just got drafted into the NFL,” said one anonymous classmate. “Bro, it’s Trader Joe’s. Chill.” Witnesses say Adam can now be found at 219 Sugarland Drive, where he reportedly comes home after his 6-hour shifts and collapses on the couch like he just completed an Ironman triathlon, except instead of running, biking, and swimming, he’s been bagging groceries and aggressively recommending cookie butter. “He says he’s ‘putting in work,’” said his younger brother. “But the only thing he’s been lifting is that family-size mac & cheese from aisle three.”